The Beginning of the End

At the end of the semester I returned home for Winter Break. A friend of his from High School had just welcomed his first child with his wife and they were a couple of hours from where my parents lived. He decided to stop by and visit me for four days. We went out to dinner with my family. After dinner, he told me my dad was the quintessential Colonel he had encountered in the Air Force. He was impressed by the fairly ideal home and neighborhood where I had lived before college.

I took him to meet a family friend who was an interior designer at a high-end furniture store. It was full of pieces by famous designers and architects. He loved it. We then went out to lunch with my family friend. At lunch, she asked if we were dating and there was an awkward silence. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing and upset him. He finally broke the silence and casually said “Yes.”

The next morning, he would not come out of his room. He said he wasn’t feeling well. He spent an entire day locked in his room. The following day he left early. He only spent two of his intended days visiting, one of which was spent locked in his room. He said he just wanted to go home. He didn’t like being sick in someone else’s home. It was New Year’s Eve and I was pretty disappointed that he left on that day and didn’t stay to ring in the New Year with me.

When I returned from Winter Break he had moved out of his off-campus house with his old roommate and into a studio apartment near the University. I helped him get settled and we hung out a few times, but he never touched me again. It became clear he had lost interest.

I cannot be certain the reason for his lost interest, but a thought has occurred to me. Before his visit to my family’s home, he frequently responded to my innocence with laughter and disbelief. He didn’t believe me that I had never had sex before. He didn’t believe me when I claimed that his actions were causing me to bleed. As I reflect on his visit I am reminded of his reactions to my home and my family. They seemed perfect to him. My family and home life had a very “Leave it to Beaver” feel. I don’t think he had ever encountered a family like mine. Suddenly, my innocence wasn’t so hard to believe. If that were the case, I think the reality of what he had done to me was beginning to set it.

Whatever the reason, his loss of interest was my opportunity – my way out. I seized it. I was done. However, I walked away feeling worthless. Disgusting. Un-datable. Unlovable. I walked away not only from him, but the idea that I could ever get married or have a family. I would rather spend the rest of my life single, than in a relationship with him. We never officially broke up, we just stopped hanging out. I continued to see him at work and in passing at our College, but we never went out on a date again.

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